I picked my underwear out of my butt a dozen times today. I tried every adjustment possible - nothing worked. This day was just one in a series of bad underwear days. A lot of things can challenge even my best day - no skim milk for my tea, over cooked eggs at the diner, having to call my teenage son 10 times before he gets out of bed. These are minor, temporary setbacks. Underwear in my crack - well there's a day that just doesn't end.
I knew these were problem pants when I stepped into them this morning. The first sign was the fact that they were the last pair in the drawer. Sign Two: The long string of bare elastic dangling from the leg opening. The one that wouldn't break off and kept getting longer and longer? Sign Three: The waistband that tore on both sides as I pulled them on. I knew, even as I zipped my jeans, that I was headed for a day of underwear hell.
In my decades of wearing cheap underwear, I've devised a number of ways to release a wedgie other than picking. I practiced them all today. Next to the classic pick, the most effective is when I pretend to tuck in my shirt, reach into the back of the offending pants and push them out. Another involves tugging my jeans down in the hope that the underwear will follow. The least effective and most distracting is this weird hip roll thing I've perfected, which I'm sure causes people to question my history with the pole.
I know. It's time to go shopping. I've tried. Here is what I found. The People In Charge Of Underwear fall into these distinct camps:
1. Pantie People - purveyors of flimsy scraps of fabric, embellished with scratchy lace and bows. There's not enough fabric to cover one cheek and enough pink to rot your teeth.
2. Thong People - who have somehow convinced millions of women that fabric crammed between the cheeks is comfortable. I tried them when they first came out. They are not. I spent the first week perpetually horny. After that wore off, I realized I was an idiot with an inadequate sex life.
3. Cotton Brief People: These are makers of functional, comfortable foundation garments. These come in a variety of colors and hang out of the back of your jeans when you lean forward. And not in a good way. They're a step away from the last category:
4. Granny Pants. These are the biggest pants in the world. Please, God. Please don't let my ass ever get big enough to fill them.
Tomorrow is a big day. I'm heading out with a sense of purpose. I will find underwear that don't ride up or fall down. They won't have lace, bows, hearts or teddy bears. The back will cover both of my cheeks. The front will be wide enough to cover my stuff. The next time you see me, I won't be picking my butt, rolling my hips or have my hands in my pants. A lot of people will be relieved to hear this.